letting go of lexapro

I'm suddenly writing a lot. It seems to be my means of coping with the withdrawal symptoms of getting off Lexapro. Sometimes, I think the panic is just pent-up energy, and even an unstrenuous action like typing or scribbling is enough to release it.

I've been outlining the Big Story Idea I mentioned a few posts ago. The story is coming forward in a little more organized fashion than I am used to, but that's okay with me. If I felt the story was too vague in its bigness and too hard to grasp all the pieces, I'd be inclined to let it simmer some more until we'd gotten to know each other a little better. I take it as a good sign that its path is fairly clear and seems to make sense so far.

I'm wondering if getting off Lexapro has helped me be more clear-headed and focused, which is why story-writing is easier this time around. I guess you don't realized how foggy-brained you are until, well, you aren't.

It's been a really hard thing to do to get off this stuff, and I'm appalled at the medical community's insistence that SSRIs are not addicting. Despite going through a sensible weaning process (one pill every other day for awhile, then every two days, then every three days, and so on), my body is really feeling it and grumbling at me, and that strikes me as a sign of addiction. The physical side effects are severe headaches, insomnia, and a feeling like someone switched out my herbal tea for a double-shot of espresso, and walls are starting to look really good for climbing. It's worse in the morning and in the evening. I'm distracted enough during the day that it all just swirls into a dull all-over ache.

There's a psychological component as well. The logic goes, "if I take this pill, I won't panic," which is comforting and more or less true. However, I don't like taking this pill because of all the side effects and because I've become too dependent on it. But if I stop taking it, what do I do about the panic attacks? Karen-the-acupuncturist has an herbal supplement that I could take (she calls it the "keep-it-together pill") that is less expensive (there isn't a generic version of Lexapro, so you can imagine what the co-pays are like) and doesn't have any side effects, other than helping you keep it together. She's also recommended fish oil and B vitamins. If I can transfer my faith to the supplements, I may get somewhere. I also need to evaluate finances and see about some EMDR therapy.

I think Tristan-the-cat is feeling sorry for me because he's taken to hanging around my head a lot lately. He likes to sleep above me on the pillow at night, or just behind me on the couch, and I'm getting a lot of the laying on of paws. They say that sometimes animals absorb and develop illness and disease to spare their humans from them. However, Tristan is still his calm and loving self, so I hope that's not what he's doing.

And for all this suffering, the weight better the hell start coming off once this stuff is completely out of my system. I'm not asking to be a size zero, but fitting comfortably back into a size eight would be most appreciated.