my side, your side, we all scream for ice cream

I have at least learned one thing from working in an office environment. Everyone has a side. Everyone has a perspective, a view, on any topic or issue. The trouble is, we tend to spend a great deal of time making sure our own view is heard, and a lot less time listening to other people's sides, as though somehow they are less important than our own. I begin to suspect that this is how wars start. I read a piece recently by an acupuncturist, and she wrote that if you look at a war, any war, from any era, and you took away the weapons, and had a second look, what you would see would be people reaching out to each other trying to be heard, but not listening. I was sitting in a meeting today, and toward the end, things got very tense between two of my co-workers. Some people love to watch the sparks fly, but it tends to irritate me as I have better things to do that listen to people argue. I suddenly wondered if they were even hearing what the other was saying, ie, making some kind of effort to understand the view of the other. It was as though they were talking parallel to each other, rather than coming to a cross street and at least acknowledging the other. As fate would have it, I was sitting between these two - not a fun place to be. I felt as though my energy was being sapped from both sides. I came out of that meeting feeling very tired, and wanting nothing more than to curl up under my desk for a nap. These two have separately complained about each other to me. I would love nothing more than to lock them in a room together and let them duke it out once and for all. Let them fling the insults and accusations directly at each other, just to see what happens. Just so they know what it feels like. Maybe they'd kill each other, or maybe they'd find some common form of communication. Companies should think about panic rooms - soundproof, padded walls, a punching bag. An extra benefit in the 21st century work place.

morning glory

I used to think that my not being able to get up in the morning was due to sheer laziness. Now, I'm not so sure. I tend to wake up earlier than my alarm, and just lay there and think, but not in a "oh jeez, I've got X, Y, and Z to do today" way. More in a "wow, my mind is calm again," way. I like musing on that.

When I [attempt] to go to bed at night, my brain is still on overdrive, hence my insomnia and nocturnal panic attacks. It's like a million voices chattering all at once, often about trivial things, but a million of them disguise it all as more important than it really is. I've tried the pills, the teas, the yoga, the meditation, the acupuncture, the caffeine and sugar avoidance, the writing it all down. Sometimes those things work, sometimes they don't.

And I wonder how all that stuff gets in my head in the first place every day, and I don't seem to realize it until I try to sleep. One therapist came up with the radical idea of letting myself panic, just to get it out of my system. She said I keep shoving It (whatever It may be) aside, and it backs up. So if I just opened the floodgates and let it all out to have its moment in the sun and to be acknowledged, which may be all It wants, I'd probably feel better, though I'd suffer a bit in the process. She said that's what meditation is really, just sitting and letting all that gunk drain out one thing at a time until your head is clear. The hard part is stopping yourself from wanting to analyze every little thing as it drains out - hold it up to the light to examine it, query it, fix it, etc.

The scary thought is how much of that gunk do I have backed up in my head? Years worth? Probably. One big massive panic attack to get it all out. Would I even survive that? It would by turns be terrifying and a relief.

I must admit that my panic attacks are not as bad as they used to be, and I do sleep a teeny bit better than I used to. Perhaps it is because I am now Armed With Knowledge as to what panic attacks are, so I fear them less.

I feel bad for my Calm Mind in the morning. The poor thing isn't going to last for long, so I stay in bed for a few more minutes each morning, not wanting to disturb it, and clinging to it like I would cling to my teddy bears when I was a kid. I wonder if I should get another teddy bear. I wonder how my cat would feel about that.

triple whammy

It's almost too much to absorb. A new Tori Amos album out in February, a new Kate Bush album out sometime this year, and Andrea Bocelli is starting a U.S. tour in March. Three great ways to get through the winter.

girl has burst of feminine energy while snowed in

It's a funny thing about snow: it looks pretty and calm as it's coming down, it makes one feel cozy to be indoors, and it can brighten an otherwise dreary winter day. Then one looks at one's car, and around one's car, and the inner adult wonders whether to go shovel out now or wait awhile longer. Over the past few years, one of the guys in my building or in the next building will offer to dig out my car for me, but none showed up this year. I don't know why. So I did it myself. I bundled up, went out, dug my car out and got all the snow off the top and sides AND shoveled the sidewalk in front of all the cars AND shoveled the walkway from the building to the sidewalk. The snow was light and fluffy, and it wasn't as cold as I expected (or else I had layered really well), so it wasn't that bad, and it was a good hour workout, which I needed. I'm feeling it now in my back and shoulders, but it's a good reminder that there is not a Helpless Female living in my condo thank you very much. Yes, I am still a bit smug about this. It'll wear off soon.