upside

I'm sitting at my computer, staring out the window, and although my view is of a tree with half its branches missing and of a parking lot, I like having a window near my desk - must be the natural light. There's a spider between the two panes of glass in the window. My cat paws at the spider every morning and has yet to figure out that she can't get to it. Today, I noticed that the spider is missing its front left leg. It seems not to mind this, though, and goes about its business.

After the cat paws unsuccessfully at the spider, she jumps down from the window sill and settles in for a long nap behind the curtain. I suspect this is because there is an air vent right above the window, and when the A/C is on, some of the air gets funneled down behind the curtains and keeps her cool. It's one of the few bitches about this condo - since I'm on the fifth floor, it gets quite stuffy and warm up here in the summer, even with A/C on.

I'm about to start my third writing assessment - it's for a company based in Chicago, and the parent company is based in NY, but the job would allow me to work from home, would give me a bit of a bump up in salary, and is similar to the job I just had. I don't think the assessment will be too hard - they sent me six articles on HIV meds adherence (or lack thereof), and I'm supposed to put together 15 slides that summarize why adherence is important for HIV patients. They've give me 10 days to do this, which is way more time than I'll need - the subsidiary in my former company only gave me 48 hours to do 10 slides on hypertension and write two 500-word articles on use of asthma meds in children. If the generous deadline and the writing assignment are indicative of the typical work of this NY/Chicago company, I just may have found heaven. Imagine being given ample time to research and write quality pieces. I had little of that at my last job.

It's also handy that one of my first assignments when I went to work for my former company six years ago was a huge AIDS paper that was all about meds and adherence - I remember there were more than 200 references for that paper, and it seemed to take forever to complete it. I was ready to pop open a bottle of champagne the day we got the galley proofs.

This afternoon, I got a call from yet another recruiter who found my resume on a job site. She has a prospective job for another company in NY for which I could also work from home, and she says they have an "urgent need." So that may be a fourth writing test.

In the meantime, I'm getting caught up on a lot of non-work things - I've been able to sleep in every day, I've finished reading two books and started a third this morning, I've not had to rush around in the mornings getting ready for work, I can stay in pajamas all day, I've had a decent breakfast every day, I've got the back of a sleeveless sweater knitted, and I've started knitting the front of it, I've got most of the stuff from my former office put away, I've gotten some spring cleaning and a ton of errands done, I've been able to take my dog for walks every day, I've got an outline for my script and I'm ready to start scriptfrenzy tomorrow, and I had a mid-day acupuncture treatment yesterday. Being booted out of the company does have some advantages.

I'm mostly over my anger about how the lay-off was handled, and the worry about finding another job hasn't set in yet. The acupunturist didn't even detect it in my pulses. If I've not found another job by the end of the summer, then I'll start worrying, as I've got enough in savings to float me for the summer - after that, things will get tight. I feel like I've got a huge burden off my shoulders, though the process to get that wasn't pleasant. Hindsight says it's all a good thing, even if I didn't see it or feel it while I was in it.

and it juuuuuust keeps getting better

I must preface this entry by stating that I've just taken a Xanax, so please forgive accordingly:

So I'm definitely out of CMCG for good. Even after making me scramble to take the writing assessment and then having to interview at the last minute yesterday, the other subsidiary decided they don't want me because there's an outside candidate that they like better. I found this out this morning. My mom and Angel think this is because they can get someone cheaper, but with less experience.

And the icing on the cake was the lay-off meeting at 4:30 today. What fun that was. Again, I think they were expecting me to react somehow, but I knew it was coming anyway, so my old boss escorted me to my office and told me I had to give her my key fob and leave my laptop, and that I could come back on Saturday to pack up the rest of my stuff and get any of my personal files off of my computer, and then she escorted me out of the building. I know of at least one other person who was part of the layoff, and I only know that because she was coming out of the meeting room as I was going in. There will be more, and I feel bad for everyone. I was at least lucky enough to have some warning signs show up pretty early, so I was able to get other things in place (like an updated resume) and get used to the idea of leaving, and I've got prospects and interviews lined up already.

Still, a girl can only take so much rejection in one day, hence the Xanax.

Several good things happened today, though. Gwen and Heather offered drinks, and Bob offered gourmet comfort food; however, in my current drug-induced state, going anywhere is probably not a good idea. And for my birthday, Angel sent me a Neil Gaiman book that I'd been wanting, and that arrived today, and she also sent me a pep talk e-mail (she's going through a similar career change), which was quite useful and quite true:

"The universe knew it time for you to make a change. You'll find a job that's better and that you like more.

"I've been telling myself that it's a chapter ending. Time to start a brand new chapter with brand new events and new characters. And this is the part in the story where everything starts to become more interesting and exciting...

"Just view this as your opportunity to find a job that you like more and suits you better."

Who says there aren't guardian angels out there? Thanks, babes.

life on fast forward

Job update: What the hell is the rush with everyone lately?

I had to do the writing assessment for the writer job in the other subsidiary this past weekend (yes, I'm grumbling). At least it didn't take me the whole weekend to do it, and funnily enough, it was the exact same assessment I did two years ago this month for the subsidiary I'm in (jeez, this full circle stuff), so it wasn't all that difficult. I've told several people in charge that I can write an alternate assessment to keep the playing field fair if they want, but no one's listening to me. Can't say I didn't try to play nice.

I find out this morning that an interview is scheduled with my co-workers this afternoon. It was a fluke that I happened to be a bit more dressed up than usual today, and I managed to put together a string book of writing samples in a matter of an hour or two. It was very awkward being interviewed by co-workers, and six of them at once no less. I've worked for the other subsidiary before, and I'm familiar with what they do, so that made it more weird - it was hard to find things to talk about. I'm feeling kind of humiliated about the whole thing, but I can't work out why.

And lastly, to make it all the more fun, I get a call this afternoon from a recruiter from an outside company inquiring if I'd be interested in another position similar to the one I'm applying for internally, and that one also requires a writing assessment, and it's similar to the one I just had to do, down to writing an editorial, and it's all on cardiology, which is one of my specialization areas. So may as well try for that one too, just in case.

At least I'm writing a lot...

32

My sister says I don't look 32, and sisters never lie, so it must be true. The number change came a bit quickly, though - it seemed to take forever to get to 30, and then I blinked, and I'm already 32.

Still, not a bad day all around - I managed to miss the traffic hold ups for the triathalon being held near hear, though I do hope my co-workers who participated did well, and I also missed all the people stumbling home drunk from Wine in the Woods. One of these years when the Preakness lands exactly on my birthday, I'll dress up all posh, including hat and matching purse, and go and bet on the horses for the day. I've got a friend who can get me into one of the swanky boxes.

I slept in, had a nice brunch, which I actually made, rather than pouring things out of boxes, and then I went to see Hot Fuzz finally. I'm not one for cop movies (I've just glanced at my DVD collection, and I don't own even one cop movie), but I had seen Shaun of the Dead recently, which was weirdly funny, if a zombie movie can be funny, and I guess it can be if the British get their hands on it, and the same two actors/writers made Hot Fuzz, so I thought broadening my horizons by going to see a funny British cop movie would be good for me. It was definitely better than I expected, so it just may end up in my DVD collection. Banner day.

Someone had told me the weather was going to be yucky today, but it wasn't, so I took the dog for an extra-long evening walk, and came back to find that my mom had called and sung "Happy Birthday" on my voice mail. And did I mention that my grandmother had sent me the traditional five bucks? Gotta love her - everyone in the family gets five bucks from her on their birthday, even my dad, and he's 52. Now if only Aunt Mary were still alive to send me a huge pack of LifeSavers wrapped in tissue paper...

well, aren't WE a mess?

That was more or less the acupuncturist's diagnosis - "...you're tensed up and exhausted at the same time, you're stuck and ready to move forward at the same time, you're detail has collapsed, your giving has collapsed..."

When I saw her two weeks ago, I mentioned that I felt like everything was in limbo, and I couldn't move or decide until something else moved to provide me with a choice, meaning things out of my control were paralyzing me. And damn if you ask the Universe a question, boy does it give you an answer. I keep forgetting that sometimes, the answer isn't what you would like, even though, perhaps, you expected it.

It started moving forward on Monday afternoon. The HR person called me into my boss' office and solemnly said, "due to the subsidiary's financial situation, the company can't support your position any longer." I think they expected some sort of reaction out of me, hysterics or tears or something, but all I did was blink and perhaps slightly raise an eyebrow. I wasn't surprised, you see, for two reasons - one, I'd been expecting it for awhile, as far back as my boss telling me more than a month ago that mine was a "luxury position," and that "there may come a time when you have to decide what you want, and that may mean taking another position in the company," (I updated my resume and put it out on the Internet after that conversation) and a little while after that, when talking to my old boss, who is in the same company, just in a different division of it, and who said out of the blue, "you know, we have some open positions over here that you might consider."

Two, I've been through lay-offs before. Twice. In a row. My last two jobs, in fact. So pattern recognition sets in, and all the markers were there, and it was just a matter of time. If I'm surprised at anything, it's that it took them so long to arrive at this conclusion and to get on with it.

Then they said, "we really don't want you to leave." Hmm, it seems to me that if they really meant that and really didn't want people leaving, they wouldn't have let the financial situation get so bad that it comes to telling people to leave, as that seems rather counterproductive, but that's just my logic. I won't go into how and why the financial situation is so bad - it's long and sordid, and at times hilariously ridiculous, so no matter.

My choices are as follows: take a position with the other subsidiary, which means officially applying, taking the writing assessment, and interviewing (never mind that I've been there for six years, and the position for which I'd be applying is the same one I had last year, and I went through this process already to get that position) or leave the company. The HR person won't tell me how long I'd have before leaving, nor what the severence package would be. She did, however, insist that I had to decide which I would do by yesterday morning, though she gave me no reason for the rush. My mom, who is also in HR, thinks this sounds very fishy.

I talked to my old boss again Tuesday afternoon, and she told me that the positions she had mentioned a month ago were still available, and she was puzzled as to why the HR person was in such a rush. She also told me that she was very angry about what was happening in my division, because she helped to set up that division, and when she left it, it was in good working order with no worries. I had no answers for her because all the leadership people in my division are making themselves scarce and throwing numbers at us when they do talk to us but not ever speaking plainly about will we all have jobs in six months, or even in one month. I hate it when people hide behind numbers. My old boss doesn't think the division will be shut down entirely, but she does think it will be "scaled back."

Oddly, I have equal reasons for staying and going. If I stay, I keep my tenure, my substantial vacation acrrual, and I get my old boss back, a handful of co-workers that I know, some new projects, as well as a bit more sanity and structure and not working into the evening and on the weekend so much, and I could do with a bit of all that (see acupuncturist's diagnosis above). The downside is leaving my current co-workers who have been in the trenches with me, especially during this last year - amazing how overwork and insane clients bring people together. Who's going to look after them?

I could leave too, and start over completely. Go someplace where no one knows me and doesn't expect too much from me yet, get into another branch of health care - genetics, or patient education, or support associations, or alternative therapies - or even get into an entirely new industry, maybe even just up and move somewhere and start completely from scratch. I've got little debt and a nice chunk of money in savings that I could live on for awhile, except I had marked that for master's degree and travel in the fall, so I don't want to have to use it for living expenses. The downside is giving up every shred of stability, and given my current diagnosis, that may be unwise.

The in-between choice is to take a position with the other division, which buys me time to look for something else at my leisure, and I guiltily leaned toward this option and nodded to the HR person about it, because it means I can let go of this work by degrees, and for once, it would be nice not to be forced and shoved into a career decision in a hurry.

So the acupuncturist put two sets of needles in the top and side of both feet and two in my chest and left me to simmer for 20 minutes, which is far more needles and twice as much time as I normally get, but she said it was necessary, and she praised me for taking a couple of days off from work, which she said was also necessary. Then I had some spicy tuna sushi to feed my brain and a huge mug of green tea to keep my spirits and my immunity up, and settled into a re-read of Neverwhere for the rest of the evening, and tomorrow I'm getting several inches of hair chopped off, and I may go buy some more books just for the hell of it, and the next three days are devoted to brushing up on scriptwriting skills and coming up with a story outline so that when June 1 comes around, I can dive into scriptfrenzy and happily write a bad play or movie. The plan is not to do anything work-related for the next three days.

And this is all happening right before my birthday. What the hell?

in a frenzy...soon

The more I read about this thing, the more I feel a story idea coming on. I'll never look at a clock the same way again.

And how cool is it that The New Yorker would do a story on it? Mostly, I've come across articles about it in scientific journals, like this one. It's nice to see a piece on it in something more mainstream.

It even has it's own Web page. I should chuck medicine and go work for an interesting group like this. Don't they need a writing-editing-researching Girl Friday?

I'm still mulling over ideas for scriptfrenzy, and this might actually be too big for a 110-page script, so maybe I'll save it for NaNoWriMo in November. I think I can do it more justice in 50,000 words than in 20,000.

And is it just me, or does this thing sound a lot like the golden compass in the Phillip Pullman books?

WOMAN Challenge

This year, I am participating in the WOMAN Challenge (Women and Girls Out Moving Across the Nation), which is an eight-week walking challenge to walk at least 10,000 steps or exercise at least 30 minutes per day.

You walk a virtual route, depending on where you live - mine is Millinocket, Maine to Georgetown, Delaware. At least once a week, you log in your exercise activity, which moves you further along your virtual route.

And they even send you a nifty little pedometer.

I've been doing pilates/yoga/cardio on weekday mornings and walking around the lake next to work several times a week already, so I think this is do-able. I doubt I've been doing 10,000 steps a day, though, so it will be interesting to see what it takes to get up to that.

The only time I may mess up is in June, since I will be doing scriptfrenzy at the same time, but I'll worry about that later.

The Challenge officially starts tomorrow, Mother's Day, and runs through July 8. Ugh - walking outside in July heat; good thing I have a treadmill at home.