Odd and yucky few days. It was a weirdly full day for a Friday – a meeting that started late (not unusual), co-workers bickering over some knotty problem and not realizing that they're talking about the same thing just in different ways and of course couldn't have their argument in a private room but instead had to have it in the open area for everyone to hear, reacquainting myself with the Chicago Manual of Style (although I'll always be an AP Stylebook girl), follow-up e-mails here there and everywhere, listening to and watching the birds flying at the window behind me and being repeatedly disappointed that they can't get in, finding out that I'll be moving up to the sixth floor sometime next week (I wonder if they'll have a phone for me by then), and realizing that I'll miss, at least a little, sitting with the programmers here on the second floor. They're relatively quiet and keep to themselves, so it's easier to concentrate on my own work. And it's like a United Nations down here in the engine room, as they call it (they all work on the Rules Engine, which runs all the algorithms). There are Russians, Asians, even a few from the Middle East. Sometimes they talk to each other in their native languages, with an English word thrown in here and there. It's cool to watch them work together to figure out a solution to whatever computer bug they've encountered. Sometimes, they all go into the conference room to put their heads together if it's a particularly sticky problem. It's just how they work. Egos, race, hierarchy don't enter into it, because computers don't care a whit about that stuff when they choose to be difficult. It's all about the ideas to fix things. And the exotic smells that come from the kitchen around lunchtime when everyone is warming up their food are mouthwatering!
I've been listening to audiobooks while I'm working, not only because I like it when people read to me, especially if they have a good reading voice (and not everybody does, mind you), but also because it removes me a bit from office distractions – conversations, printers, copiers, air conditioning, elevator bell, doors closing and opening. I've been working my way through Neil Gaiman's new short story audiobooks, which he reads himself (and he does have a nice reading voice and can do a lot of different accents). I'm not usually one for short stories because I've come across too many that were disappointing for various reasons. However, I like his short stories because he's pretty much thrown out whatever conventions there are (or were) about form and content of short stories. I like "Study in Emerald" (his twisted take on Conan Doyle's Study in Scarlet), "Snow Glass Apples" (Snow White and the wicked witch aren't who you think they are), October in the Chair (the months of the year personified, meeting to share stories around a campfire and eat sausages), "The Case of Four and Twenty Blackbirds" (nursery rhymes re-told in film noir style), "Instructions" (what to do the next time you find yourself in a fairy tale – I would love to have this on a poster), and "Monarch of the Glen" (the return of Shadow from American Gods – I like this story rather better than American Gods - can you admire a story but not like it? I suspect the chilly, creepy Scottish setting has something to do with it). It's amazing how much faster the day goes when someone reads to you while you're working.
And I've been the recipient of yet another "it's not you, it's me" excuse, only to find out it was really "it's not you, it's another woman." The mind reels at how many men are too chickenshit to admit they prefer someone else to you and would rather outright lie instead, and not even lie very well and get caught at it, and somehow think they're doing you a favor. Being honest is truly more flattering because it shows respect. It's also upsettling (NG word that I like) that having your act together as best you can and not being in need of much rescuing can make you not good enough in other people's eyes. I seem to have learned the "you've-got-to-be-able-to-look-after-yourself-because-you-won't-always-have-someone-to-look-after-you" lesson from my parents a bit too well, so men feel like they don't have anything to do in the relationship if there's nothing to fix. Um, how's about enjoying the relationship and keeping it going? Rough times show up eventually for everybody, I'm no exception, and trust me, you'll be needed. And the odd thing is that I don't think I'm aggressive about my independence. You'd be hard-pressed to say I was aggressive about anything, really. My life is just my life - I gather people and things and fun stuff around me that make me happy, I have at least a few quirks and faults and slightly odd dress sense to keep people amused, I fix what's broken if I can, I ask for help when I need it, I think it's incredibly nice of you to offer to change the oil in my car, but if it's going to take you half a day to do it, I'd sooner go to the oil change place and have it done in 20 minutes so we can spend the day doing more fun things instead, and no, I'm not going to change my hair color/wear shorter skirts/get my tattoo removed/be more this/be less that - I am not a set of tasks on a checklist to be made more acceptable; unconditional love ain't for sissies. Like me for me? Please? And while I need some space, I give other people the courtesy of respecting their space, and yet the looks I get from men I date when I'm agreeable to them going out on their own with their own friends. Sheesh! It's like they think I don't mean it, and they'd prefer it if I threw a fit and was clingy and monopolized all their free time, which I guess it what they're used to. I just don't DO that, mainly because I'm always hearing men complain about women who do, so why would I do what they complain about? Besides, if they go out with their friends, that means I get time with mine or time to myself. How is this a bad thing? Does this really make me such an undesireable freak?
Last night, rather that sit and fume and dwell, I had the sudden urge to run errands, so I put cards and bills in the mail, deposited my paycheck (auto-deposits won't kick in for a few paychecks yet), filled up the gas tank, picked up my dog's ashes from the vet (and I didn't get through that with anything resembling dignity, I'm afraid), and checked out My Organic Market (yes, MOM's, cute eh?) on Route 1 - bit small, selection wasn't any different from the other organic stores around here, the prices are good, and they took my bag to my car for me. Tonight, I've decided on takeout for dinner (I'm addicted to spicy Singapore rice noodles lately) and possibly some frivolous book-buying, because I think I deserve it.
Thank goodness for Gwen's tea party tomorrow! It will be a refreshing change to just be me and not feel guilty about it.
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